Jokes and other funny things

messenger status: "when i leave the messenger, all stand up in sign of respect!"

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!".

So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up.

So she says : "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts

pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into his ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her bush. He grabs a match and lights it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

what a silly kid, but really funny

okay, these made me laugh my ass off:


t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
BlackAdder> i believe i speak for all of us when i say...
BlackAdder> WRONG BTICH
BlackAdder> IM SICK OF YOU
BlackAdder> AND YOUR LAME STORIES
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE THINKS YOURE FUNNY
BlackAdder> NOBODY HERE WANTS TO HEAR YOUR STORIES
BlackAdder> IN FACT
BlackAdder> IF YOU DIED RIGHT NOW
BlackAdder> I DON"T THINK NOBODY WOULD CARE
BlackAdder> SO WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THAT FAG
*** t0rbad sets mode: +b BlackAdder*!*@*.*
*** BlackAdder has been kicked by t0rbad ( )
t0rbad> so there i was in this hallway right
CRCError> right
heartless> Right.
r3v> right





Hey, you know what sucks?
vaccuums
Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
black holes
Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
lava?







d-_-b
how u make that inverted b?
wait
never mind







what should I give sister for unzipping?
Um. Ten bucks?
no I mean like, WinZip?







my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
ouch.
yeah.i sent them to her dad





Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
wait, shit





some girl just came onto our floor
and was yelling "sexual favors for anyone who does my sociology paper"
i just asked her what the paper was about
and she said the accomplishments and growth of feminism
<`Neo> bahahahaha



i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.



Now, I’m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here’s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit’s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming “SHIT! SHIT!.” Now, my good friend, Tom we’ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting “FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN’T GET IT! FUCK!.” By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here’s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, “Mam, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I’m… I’m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.”
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn’t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just s we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.



bwahahahahahah too evil

Cute Rifle

Holy epic backstory, there is a DM of the Rings! =)) It made me laugh a whole evening Comment if you like it too

Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Demotivator



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just had to share these... also... this place has been quiet... so... figured I'd make some noise

I was going to finish with the above...


then I saw this one


Motivational Posters

via Lolcats

omg!!! LOL

take that down please.... I can't breathe... I can't breathe! lol

"Filling out job applications is so depressing. I was filling on out
the other day and I got to the part that says "Sex?" Well, I prefer to
'F', but I'm usually alone, so I had to circle 'M'."

which one dave?

the angry cat

An Old Joke... but a good one still:


A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.

He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

awhile ago I posted a pic of a flying shark.... here is a response to that

'Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.'
So - if you give her crap, you will receive more shit than any one human being can handle


You've been warned

me and my dirty mind (if u know what i mean )

yeah i know what you mean does that make me a perv too?